|
| (click on picture for larger image) |
|
|
We're not gonna go...
Oh Boy! Here's the premium list for a Show!
Oh no! Not that one! We're "not" gonna go!
Remember last year how we swore lose or win
That we'd never set foot on these show grounds again?
It was hot, it was dirty. and not enough shade,
The inadequate benching was so poorly made.
The entry was lousy in bitches and dogs,
And they charged way too much for their bad catalogs.
The rings were so distant and located far
From the quagmire where we abandoned the car
That we nearly collapsed from having to pack
The dogs, crates and penning over and back.
And we nearly expired from hunger and thirst,
'Cause the food and drink set-up was truly the worst.
And the ring was so small and on uneven ground;
There were stickers and weeds and debris all around,
And it's too far to travel for just one old show
So throw out the entries: we're not gonna go!
We'll stay home and loaf and relax and be glad
For no bathing, nail trimming, and rushing like mad.
No hitting the road at the dawn's early light,
No dragging home beat in the still of the night.
Just think of all the time and expense
We'll save by just using our good common sense.
However, there "is" one small thing I'll concede:
I would like to watch while they're judging our breed.
Say, I'll tell you what! Why don't we just go
As leisurely spectators viewing the show?
What a treat it will be to sit ringside with ease
And after the judging, just leave when we please.
No bother with dogs and all their regalia,
And all of the various paraphernalia.
But. as long as we'll be there, what could be wrong
With 'just for fun' taking one dog along?
OK! We'll take one. But the problem is: which?
A pup? The special? A dog or a bitch?
If we took a puppy it would just be for fun
But we could sure use the points if the dog or bitch won.
We'll never decide - it's no use to stall.
Dig out the entries - We'll enter them all!
But if it turns out as bad as we fear,
We'll really and truly stay home "next" year!
|
Pet dogs versus show dogs...
Pet dogs shed ............... Show dogs blow coat.
Pet dogs are in heat ........... Show dogs come into season.
Pet dogs trot ................ Show dogs gait or move.
Pet dogs stand .............. Show dogs stack.
Pet dogs get a bath .............. Show dogs are groomed.
Pet dogs beg for treats ................ Show dogs bait.
Pet dogs poop ................ Show dogs toilet or eliminate.
Pet dogs bark at other dogs ............ Show dogs spar.
Dog Show Definitions...
1. Great stud dog ............... Mounts anything that can fog a mirror.
2. Excels in movement ......................... If he gets loose, run like hell.
3. Personality Plus ................. Wakes up if you put liver up his nose.
4. Good bite ............................... Missed the judge, got the steward.
5. Large boned ................................... Looks like a Clydesdale.
6. Good obedience prospect ............... Smart enough to come in from the rain, but ugly.
7. Quiet and good natured ................ In his kennel.
8. Excels in type and style ................... However, moves like a spider on "speed".
9. Won in stiff competition ............... Beat four puppies and a 9 year old novice dog.
10. Multiple group winner ..................... At two puppy matches.
11. Pointed ................. His head is shaped like a carrot.
12. Noted Judge ................................... He put up our dog.
13. Respected Judge ............................He put up our dog twice.
14. Esteemed Judge ...................... He puts up anything that crawls.
15. Specialty Judge ....................... Puts up anything that looks like his own breeding.
16. Won in heavy competition ................ The other dogs were revoltingly overweight.
17. Shown sparingly ..................... Only when we had it in the bag.
18. Show Prospect ................ He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 tail.
19. Finished in 5 shows ...................... And 89 where he failed to win a ribbon.
20. Well Balanced ......................... Straight as a stick, front and rear.
21. Handled brilliantly by .................. Nobody else can get near him.
22. At stud to "approved" bitches ................ Those bitches whose owner's check is good.
23. Linebred from famous champions ......... Ch. Whoozitz appears twice 6th generation.
24. Terrific brood bitch ................. Her conformation is the pits, but she conceives big litters.
25. Wins another Best In Show ............ His second, under the same judge, our uncle.
|
Are there dog shows in heaven?...
One of the most ambitious allround judges happened to be a highly religious person (not such an unlikely combination as you
might sometimes think).
He worried a lot about whether he would still be able to pursue his favourite occupation in the hereafter, and finally
he went to his priest and said, "Father, I wonder if there are dog shows in Heaven? As you are on speaking terms with
the boss, could your please find out for me?"
The priest replied that he would try and told the judge to get back to him on the next Sunday. At the appointed time when
the man got back, the priest informed him, "My child, I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that yes,
indeed, there are dog shows in Heaven. The bad news is that you have been appointed to judge their next Sunday show."
Dog show in heaven...
One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the dog kennels watching the dogs laying
around.
"I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in.
Peter stood and watched the dogs. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a dog show?"
Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to
compete against, Peter?" Paul asked.
The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer.
"We will call up Satan and invite him to the dog show. I mean, we have all of the finest dogs here in heaven; all
of the World and National Champions are here. His kennels are filled with the spoiled, difficult and mean dogs. We are certain
to win at the show!"
And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their dog show. Satan laughed
and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.
Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National
and World Champion dogs in our kennels in heaven. How could you possibly beat us?"
Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen? I have all the judges!"
|
)
